Devika’s Story

I find it really difficult to say this and in my head, it’s hard for me to comprehend, because at the time, I was successful, and I can not understand for the life of me how.

Four years ago I was at my lowest point in my life. I had never processed the abusive relationship that I was in at 19 and thereafter, never processed the fact that I was in a cycle of abuse with every relationship for 10 years. This abuse came in all forms; from physical violent abuse, to rape, sexual abuse and gaslighting. I stayed in this cycle of abuse because I didn’t know any different.

I didn't recognise or relate to the ‘poster’ of domestic abuse that I saw on charity sites or google searches.

And each time I made a cry for help, whether to my GP or university, I was continually let down. The journey to get me to where I am today has been hard. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions but above all else, it’s been myself just trying to figure things out. I am thankful and lucky that I have supportive friends and family and people to fall back on. Which many women in my situation don’t. I think my lowest point that I remember was when I realised my trauma from my relationships was impacting every single aspect of my life, from sleep paralysis to night terrors, not eating for days due to anxiety followed by having severe panic attacks at any given moment in the day. It got to the point that I didn’t care whether I lived or died. I didn’t want to live with the feeling anymore. I felt disgusted at myself everyday, the images in my head of being beaten, my abuser attempting to end my life by throwing me off a balcony and being aggressively raped, went over and over in my head. I would be walking down the street, the image would flash up. I would shut my eyes so tight, clench my teeth and cry just wishing it would go away. I carried it around in the front of my mind, everywhere I went. It defined me. 

I find it really difficult to say this and in my head, it’s hard for me to comprehend, because at the time, I was successful, and I can not understand for the life of me how. I had founded a company, pitched and raised significant investment, been featured on the Forbes list, a cover girl for courier magazine, a portrait of my face pictured in Times Square for the United Nations campaign for women pushing boundaries in Stem. I won Entrepreneur of the year, was featured in Glamour, Cosmopolitan, the list was endless. All the while feeling like it wasn’t me.

Everyday felt like it wasn’t reality, it was a dream. I don't feel like I was present, it was all a haze and I just went through it all, just existing.

But if just by existing I achieved all of that... Imagine what I could have done, imagine what I could have become. In all honesty, I do not know how I did it all. Maybe it was the resilience inside of me pushing me through. The fight to keep going, that we all have buried inside of us. The tenacity and drive to never give up. All I know is that if I didn’t feel so isolated, if I was able to know I wasn't the only one - I would have achieved anything I wanted to. And this is what I am doing now for every woman out there. I don’t want any woman to feel they need to say the words ‘imagine what I could have become?’. I want women to say, this is who I am. I want them to feel they have made it. Not just that they are surviving day to day, but they are happy to the core of their being and succeeding. This is what I want women to feel after trauma. 

I AM ARLA grew out of that desire to not let women feel alone, it grew out of the desire that as trauma survivors, we shouldn't feel shame, guilt or embarrassment at what we have gone through. We shouldn't feel the need to carry it around like a cloud, like everyday is a struggle, feeling like everyone knows your weakness, but no one understands you. 

I used to watch my friends be in healthy relationships, stable relationships. I could never understand why I couldn’t have the same, I didn’t understand boundaries, I just wanted love, and to feel safe. I never had that. I can only describe it as feeling like I was about to take on the biggest exam of my life… every single day. I woke up feeling like everyday was a test that would impact the course of the rest of my life. The adrenaline, the sweats, the heart palpitations and the sheer sadness I felt. All of the time. 

I AM ARLA was born the moment I realised I had finally processed my trauma.

It was born out of realising it took me 10 years to come through and knowing where the system was broken, and what women needed - I didn’t want it to take 10 years for every woman to feel they are in a good place. We have too much to achieve and we deserve the fighting chance to do it. I want women to feel empowered enough to know their rights, to set their boundaries and to find their power within.

Three years ago, I walked away from my final abusive relationship. And this one was different. The emotional abuse, gaslighting, cheating and in the end physical abuse, spanned over 3 years. This final relationship really opened up my eyes. The manipulation I experienced makes me feel sick to my stomach. This man was the master player of mind games. He emotionally hurt me more than words can describe and perhaps why it’s stuck with me more than the rest is that when I would cry and be upset, he would claim I was abusive, controlling, manipulative.. He would use all the words I would call my abusers. He got into my head to the point that I started questioning whether I had been the abuser all along. I tried to leave so many times, but the old cliche of going back to him was becoming old, for me and for everyone around me. During this time, I was exiting my business I founded. I was going through a terrible court case with a bullying and grievance claim against the executives I had hired into the company (the irony is not lost on me here). Everything I had built, worked for, they were trying to take away from me. And I allowed it. Living in that haze and not being present in my reality, finally caught up with me. Despite working myself to the ground everyday, not being mentally aware of what was going on, meant I was not seeing how I was being treated in my own company. 

This was the lowest point in my life.

I became suicidal and I wanted to end everything. I used to sit and drink bottles of red wine to myself, taking antidepressants and numbing myself to sleep. Crying to the depths of my stomach, thinking about the easiest way to take my life. But each time, I thought, what would it do to my parents? That kept me going to be honest, that and this constant glimmer of hope I held onto and I had somewhere in me that kept me fighting. 

If you asked me what my defining moment was that keeps me going... It’s the day I realised that sharing my story is the most powerful thing I have ever done in my life. I had written a ‘letter to my younger self’ in the guardian at 26, when I first founded my company. The story told of my first abuser trying to take my life, I detailed the physical violence I endured step by step. I had never written it down let alone published it and told the world. I was told by those I was launching the business with that if I published it, potential investors would see me differently, look at me like it’s my weakness. I decided to do it anyway. This moment changed me forever and from that moment onwards, I never felt alone. Yes, it took me 3 more years to end my cycle of abuse, but each day I grew stronger. Each and every panel I spoke on as a female founder, I told my story about domestic abuse- each opportunity I had, I got my story out there. Because I wanted to share it, it had made me who I am, it was my most powerful asset, it’s my power that I have now, that gives me the fight I have.  And all the incredible women that would speak to me after and share they had been through something similar, made me stronger every day. 

So why ‘I AM ARLA?’

When I would be in my lowest moments and my abuser was in my head, I would repeat to myself ‘I am strong, I am beautiful, I am kind, I am loved’. If I ever had  a little girl, I wanted to call her Arla. And I never wanted her to say anything other than, “I AM ARLA”. Because she is strong enough to know her identity and how amazing she is. She won’t ever let anyone tell her otherwise.

Writing this story has been hard. I have been up all night, wondering what words to put to paper… how much to leave in, what to leave out. How to word certain things, soften the blows. I have ended up just writing as I am thinking, I want you to feel how I have felt writing this. The pace feels fast but I was dying to come to the end to share with you my ending! I am now 31 and I am so happy. Like happiness I hear about in fairy tales, that tummy clenching happiness, fire in my soul- smile on my face walking down the street happiness.

I say these words and I tear up. I feel happiness inside of me that I never knew was possible.

Each morning I wake up, thankful to be alive… feeling loved, safe and so proud of myself. Is it possible to find love after trauma? I never believed it, but 3 years ago I met Jamie. My incredible partner and best friend who has irrevocably changed my life. I met him during the darkest moments of my life, when I wanted to end it all and he showed me unconditional love and care as well as telling me I am a ‘superwoman’ to make me feel invincible. Above all else, I feel safe. I don’t live in a state of adrenaline and anxiety. Yes, I have moments of flashbacks and I don’t think my PTSD will ever fully go away. But now I know my power, and that is my story. And this I will keep sharing, until it reaches the hands of every single trauma survivor so they too can reclaim their power back. Is it the end of my trauma story, yes. Am I starting a new chapter in my life, yes. And I can’t wait to do it with you all.

-Devika Wood