A Letter to Little Me - by Jordane Aizpuru

Hey Little Me, Little sunshine,  Such a long time I am thinking about writing this letter to you, as I have so many things to tell you. After 20 years of leaving with this trauma, growing, falling, getting back on my feet, healing, I have learnt a lot of things and I wish I could have had someone to tell me all I am going to tell you at the time. I am so sorry I left you alone in this. First, I want to tell you I am so sorry you had to go through this, I am sorry I let that happen to you and you had to carry on with this on your shoulders, deep in your mind and in your body. But unfortunately that is life, life can be unfair, and there is nothing I can do to erase this. But the main thing I want to tell you is not this, what I want to tell you is that none of this was your fault, and none of this was normal or ok. No, the fact that you called him when you freaked out about where to go in the middle of that night doesn’t make you responsible for what he did.

No, the fact that you were wearing a short skirt doesn’t make you responsible for what he did.

No, the fact that you didn’t say no, didn’t say a word, doesn’t make you responsible for what he did.

No, a 25 years old guy should never touch a 15 years old virgin girl he met for the first time.

You were so young, terrified, petrified, your silence and absence of reaction was NEVER a consent, not the first time he did it, not the second, not any of them. And no one should ever have sex without mutual consent and obvious pleasure.

No, you shouldn’t have felt so guilty and ashamed, and kept silent for so long. To talk, that is what freed me up, what made me feel alive again, me the adult, and I wish I could have let you do that at the time. I didn’t know, I thought the best I could do was keep it hidden thinking it would be easier, but now I know that it’s not the right way. To talk, to put words, to accept, that is the right way to start healing.

No, I shouldn’t have let you denigrate your own body, and give it to any man wanting it, for their own pleasure. Sex can be so beautiful, and I did let this guy take this from you. For so long you thought sex was about giving, giving you body to anyone, giving to men without receiving, giving to feel worth, to feel wanted, to feel alive. But, beautiful angel, you are beautiful, and none of what happened to you does change this. It didn't make you worthless, it didn't make you "dirty". You deserved to be touched by someone who loves you, who cares about you, who wants to give you pleasure. To feel alive and wanted in giving yourself and using your body as an instrument is only an illusion, one that will hurt later, believe me. I wish i would have been there to tell you every single morning that you are beautiful, you are worth, you deserve love and respect. Don’t let this man take this from you. YOU ARE AMAZING, you are full of life, you are sunshine, never ever forget this. Little girl, little me, you are part of me and what you experienced made the person I am today. I have no word to thank you for how strong you've been through this storm, and for giving me the chance to have the life I have today, because you never gave up, you kept fighting, because you were loving life too much. You are a warrior.  In writing this I am talking to you, I am talking to me, and I realise I am talking to all the girls who may have experienced a rape being so young and having felt so lost and alone. You are not alone - talk, share, open yourself, accept to say those words: rape, abuse, violence…. This is fine to say it, this will help to say it. And I promise you one thing, I wake up every morning being grateful for what I have, whatever the obstacles, because you gave me this strength, you and all the amazing people who crossed my way since I decided to open up. I promise you life is and will be amazing and full of love and laugh. I love you, I am proud of you, I am grateful for you.  Jordane 

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